How Expectations Chip Away at Our Relationship with Our Teens

 We all do it! We carry expectations about how our children should behave, how they should speak to us and to others, how they should manage their emotions, and what they should be doing with their lives. Which is completely understandable in so many ways because we simply want the best for them and take our role as parents seriously, and want to shape them for the world.

However, sometimes our expectations are based on more than just what we want for them. They are steeped in our belief systems, shaped in our own childhoods, which can become very rigid and often influence our opinions of right and wrong. As a result, our teens can experience us as very inflexible in our thinking, and they start to feel that what they DO influences how we FEEL about them.

The danger, if we don't re-evaluate our expectations, is that we stop listening to our teens because we automatically, without even considering it, see ourselves as right (because, of course, we are grown-ups with a wealth of experience). As a result, they can silently create a disconnection with our young people.

Let me expand on how we expect more from our teens but praise less.

The invisible weight of expectation

When our children are small, we tend to shower them with praise for everything they do. Every new word, every time they bring home a scribble from school, every bedtime they get through without tears gets a big “yay, you are amazing!”.

But as they grow, this often changes. We often stop noticing the small things, and the expectations start to creep in.

• They get themselves ready for school, well, that’s expected.
• They hand their homework in on time, that’s expected too.
• They follow the rules and help around the house and manage their friendships, still expected.

And before we realise it, we’ve stopped celebrating all the little things that actually show maturity and effort and growth, because we’re so focused on the things they aren’t doing.

Things like…

• They’re going to bed too late.
• They spend too much time gaming.
• They don’t spend enough time studying.
• They don’t behave in the way we want them to.

And if we’re not careful, when we stop noticing their achievements and focus on the areas that worry us or that we find disappointing, each small thing they do irritates us, which, on its own, wouldn’t be a big deal, but it starts to feel huge. This is simply due to the compound effect, and before we know it, we’re giving off this air of disappointment.

It’s fair to say we may not be saying “you are failing”, but they pick up on our tone and body language, and they can feel that they are not meeting our expectations. 

Where do these expectations come from?

Most of us don’t set out to be demanding parents. We want the best for our kids, and of course, that's amazing. But very often, we repeat what we know.

When you think back to your own childhood, what was expected of you?
Were you expected to behave a certain way? To get good grades? To always be polite or maybe just to be good?

And how did that feel for you?
Did it help you grow, or did it sometimes make you feel like you could never quite measure up? Because, naturally, in our teen years, our brains aren't wired to be steady or make the best decisions, so this can feel really hard to meet our parents' expectations.

I remember when I was at secondary school and I got 98% on a maths exam, and believe me, I was not particularly academic,  and I couldn’t wait to tell my dad, who had extremely high expectations of me. His response was,

“Where’s the other 2%?”

And I remember feeling utterly crushed. It didn’t seem to matter how well I did; it was never going to be enough (this is the danger point, when teens feel that what they do determines whether they are good enough). Now, I truly believe my dad meant well and thought he was encouraging me to try harder, but for me, it was the final straw that broke something in our connection, which is so very sad when I look back.

If, like me, you had parents who expected a lot from you, you might have learned to equate love with achievement.

Or if you had parents who expected very little, you might have pushed yourself harder, determined to prove something to yourself or the world.

Either way, those early experiences become our programming. They quietly shape how we parent, even when we think we’re doing things differently.

So when we have expectations of our teens, they don’t just appear from nowhere; they’re born from our own life experiences and steeped in our belief systems.

Who are we to have expectations, anyway?

This might sound a bit uncomfortable, but it’s worth asking ourselves, what right do we really have to hold expectations of another human being, even our child?

Our teens are not extensions of us. They’re their own people, with their own minds, personalities and essentially their own path.

The world around us tells us constantly that if your child is thriving, you’ve done a good job, and if they’re struggling, you must have done something wrong.

But I want to offer some clarity here. There are so many wonderful parents whose kids are struggling, and it’s not always a direct reflection of how they were raised. It may play a part, but there are so many other pressures on young people right now that influence them and sometimes, their struggle is simply a sign, and dare I say, an invitation, that something needs to shift, that we might need to show up differently, in a way that meets them where they are rather than where we wish they’d be.

When our expectations of our kids are tangled up with our own sense of success, it’s easy to expect them to be the person WE want them to be rather than influencing them to develop these values and attributes because it's how THEY want to be. 

When love starts to feel conditional

When expectations get in the way of our relationship, our teens start to feel like they’re only worthy when they get things right.

And that’s not the message we ever intend to give.

But think about it for a moment, if someone expected something of you again and again and you kept falling short, would it make you want to try harder, or would it slowly make you give up?

That’s often what happens for our teens. Shame creeps in. They start to believe they can’t meet the mark, so they stop trying to please us and start looking for validation elsewhere, from friends, from social media, from anyone who will tell them they’re enough.

This is where unconditional love becomes so vital. That deep, steady sense of “You are loved, even when you mess up. You are valued, even when you get things wrong.”

And yes, unconditional love is a big topic, and I’ll be exploring it more deeply in my next blog, but it starts here, with noticing how easily our expectations can make love feel conditional, even when it isn’t.

Moving from expectation to connection

Firstly, I want to acknowledge that it is ok and essential to have boundaries whilst raising your teen, but understanding WHY you have the expectations that you do is really important. Remember that your expectations are yours, and they could be setting you and your teen up for failure.

Let’s try to find a balance and start noticing the small positive things they do again, those everyday moments that are so easy to miss when life feels chaotic.

When they get themselves up for school. When they come home and talk, even briefly. When they manage their emotions a little better than yesterday.

Say something. Let them know you see it.

I’m not asking you to blow sunshine up their butt every time they do something small, but just offer a simple acknowledgement, something that lets them know you notice.

“I noticed you got yourself ready without me asking this morning. I really appreciate that.”

“I know you felt frustrated earlier, and I’m really glad you talked to me about it rather than shouting.”

That tiny moment of recognition can land in a way that leaves your teen feeling seen in a sea of what sometimes feels like conflict and misunderstanding.

Because that’s what they need from us, not perfection or endless praise, but a sense that we notice their efforts even when things between us feel hard.

When we let go of expectation, we make space for appreciation.
And in that space, our teens stop feeling judged and start feeling seen.

That’s where connection grows, and they start opening up more.
That’s where trust rebuilds, slowly and steadily.
And that’s where love is felt, freely and unconditionally.

Finally

Wanting the best for your teen is entirely understandable, and your expectations will come from a good place, but don't let their mess-ups shape how you feel about or interact with them. 

Talk to them about how you would like things to be in each situation, but also listen to how they would like it to be. Only then can you come to a place where compromise is possible so that neither you nor they are disappointed in each other.

Remember, teens are often between a rock and a hard place. They don't want to disappoint you, but equally, they want to honour their own desires and growth. If conversations and compromise are not available, they will recognise that they can't win, and resentment can start to breed, leading to disconnection.

If we think about the bigger picture, they are learning to stretch their minds, think for themselves, and develop their decision-making, all of which are great attributes to have as an adult. 

Being able to step into something different, maybe even scary and embark on challenges of the unknown is all about growth, and the reality is that your teen will do things that you don't expect or want them to do, but if you drop your expectations and replace them with desires, it softens everything. They start to talk more, you listen more and as a result, you can influence them rather than telling them how they should be.

If you are finding yourself nodding along to this blog and thinking, "actually, I really do want to find another way", then Click here to schedule a FREE 30-minute Mini Home Audit call with me, where we will focus on one challenge that you are experiencing right now, and I will provide you with insights and strategies so that you can move forward.

I would love to see you soon

Nicki