HELP! – My Teen Is Going To University

There is going to be a time in the not-too-distant future when you’ve done the ‘Uni Shop’, the car boot is packed, and the house is suddenly too quiet. When you're standing in their room and it smells like them, but they're not in it? (chances are the reason you’re in there is to sort out the carnage)

That wave of emotion that hits you right in the chest can feel hard, but please know this will ease.

Your teen going to university is one of those milestone moments that no one truly prepares you for. You might find yourself teetering between pride and panic, elation and grief. And beneath it all, you find yourself thinking: Have I prepared them? Will they be okay without me? Did I forget something important?

This is all really normal, and yes, you have prepared them, but the reality is that there will be things that they don’t know how to do, but they will also get the chance to figure it out, and that is super empowering for them.

The Emotional Shift No One Talks About

This is a time of mixed emotions. There’s the joy, of course. You see them stepping into their own, becoming the adult you always hoped they’d be. But there’s also a strange sort of grief. The end of an era. The slow dissolving of the daily parenting role you’ve held for nearly two decades. Who even are you now, when they don't need lifts or reminders or sandwiches made just the way they like them?

And this grief? It can run deep. Because you’re not just saying goodbye to their physical presence, you’re experiencing a thousand tiny losses. The daily check-ins, the noise, the chaos, the comfort of knowing they were just upstairs. There’s no shame in grieving that. It was your life. It was your normal. And now, it’s changing.

But here’s what often surprises parents: once the dust settles, and the new normal begins to take shape, you may find that your relationship shifts in a beautiful way. They text you more than you expected. They call for advice, just to hear your voice, or to share a small win. The connection doesn’t disappear; it simply pivots. A few degrees to the side, but no less important.

And while you're adjusting to the quiet, this would be a great time to start to consider: what will you do with the time that was once so centred around them? Could this be the season to explore something new? To take up a forgotten interest, prioritise your health, or simply allow yourself space to breathe? It might feel unfamiliar, even uncomfortable, but it’s okay to reclaim parts of yourself that got buried in the busyness of parenting. This has been a 24/7 part of your life for so long, so the adjustment takes time.

One of the things I see in some parents is that they find themselves ‘just waiting’ for when their teen needs them, so they don’t fill the gap that their teen has left, and as a result, they experience the loss more deeply for longer. Don’t let this be you. You’ve done exactly what you were meant to do; you’ve let your child fly, but now it’s time to focus on you a little more. Be kind to yourself and give yourself the space you need to create a new normal.

"Have I Prepared Them?"

This question haunts so many parents in this transition.

• Did I do enough?
• Did I say the right things?
• What if they find themselves in a situation they’re not ready for?

You’re not overthinking. You’re simply caring.

Preparing your teen isn't about teaching them to avoid every wrong turn. It's about giving them the tools to navigate the messiness of life. And one of the best ways to do that is by having honest, open conversations, even the uncomfortable ones.

You might think, "They’re sensible. We don’t need to talk about drugs or sex or drinking, that’s not them." But the reality is: even if they aren’t actively experimenting, they are about to enter a world where these things will be present. The flat parties. The late-night conversations. The peer pressure. The curiosity.

And whether you talk about it or not, they will make choices.

Making Space for the Conversations That Count

These are conversations that none of us ‘want’ to be having, but as a mum myself, these chats were invaluable. Instead of giving rules or warnings, try creating moments where your teen can think with you. Keep it light, keep it curious, and most of all, keep it calm. Here are some questions to gently open the door:

• "How do you feel about drinking when you're at uni?"
• "Have you ever felt curious about vaping or drugs? What would you do if friends were experimenting?"

This is also where a chat about ‘Sex’ might also come in. Are they ready to protect themselves from pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases? Again, not a comfortable conversation to have, certainly from their perspective, but if you can get as comfortable as possible, like this is the most normal conversation in the world, it can take any sting out of it.

The goal isn’t to scare them or to lecture. It’s to let them hear their own thoughts out loud, and also know that you are comfortable talking about these things.

You might say, "I know these aren’t the easiest chats. And of course, I don’t want you to do anything that may put you at any risk of harm. But I also know these things are going to be around you. I’d rather you felt safe talking to me than carrying it all alone."

That kind of openness builds trust, not fear. It shows them you’re a safe place, not just a rulebook.

Pause. Reflect. Remember Your Own Teen Years.

What were you doing at their age?

Were there things you tried or felt pressured into, simply because you didn’t know how to say no? Or because you didn’t feel you could talk to your parents about it.

Did you feel alone with your decisions? Or maybe you were desperate for guidance but didn’t know how to ask.

Now turn that around.

How do you want your teen to feel? Even if these conversations feel terrifying or awkward, what if they opened a door? What if the very thing you’re scared of is the thing they’re most needing from you?

It’s not about giving them all the answers. It’s about helping them feel safe enough to ask the questions. 

They Still Need You, Just in a Different Way

As they head off, your role shifts. You're no longer the one managing their day-to-day, but you're still their emotional anchor. And what you model now matters more than ever.

Let them see your honesty. Let them feel your presence, even when you're not in the room. Let them know the door is always open, not just to come home, but to come to you with the messy, beautiful, real parts of growing up.

You don’t have to get it perfect. You just have to be willing.

And in that willingness, there is so much power.

You’ve raised them. You’ve guided them. And now, you walk alongside them from just a little further away.

That’s not the end.

It’s the beginning of something new.