"I Would Never Have Spoken to My Parents Like That"
Aug 08, 2025
Has your teen ever spoken to you in a way that’s left you standing there, mouth open, thinking:
"Oh my goodness, I would never have spoken to my parents like that"?
OR
"They have no idea how easy they have it compared to me. Who do they think they are, speaking to me like that?"
If so, you’re not alone.
It’s in moments like this that we start to question ourselves. We’re calmer, more present, less controlling than our own parents ever were… yet somehow, our kids seem to give us a harder time than we ever gave to ours.
How does that work?
The reality is…
We were raised in a totally different world.
Different family rules.
Different societal rules.
And definitely way less connection to everything via a screen.
We knew what it was like to have long stretches where no one could reach us. No group chats buzzing at midnight. No scrolling through everyone else’s “perfect” lives.
Our teens can’t even imagine that. Their world is one of constant connection, to friends, to trends, to pressures we never had to navigate.
If we don’t make it our business to understand their world, we risk losing our connection with them. And for a teen, disconnection can feel a lot like rejection, and for us, a deep sense of loss and confusion.
Understanding doesn’t mean agreeing
You don't have to love TikTok dances or become a Minecraft expert suddenly. It’s about recognising that their world shapes their reality, just like ours shaped ours.
When we were teens, we might have kept our mouths shut out of fear, respect, or both. But that doesn’t mean we felt truly understood by our parents. In fact, many of us thought our parents were either from another planet… or they were just really old!
And while past generations might have shrugged this off as “just a phase” we’d grow out of by our 20s, it’s worth asking, did that actually work? Or did it leave a lingering disconnect?
So what do we do?
Do we throw our hands up and accept we’ll never get it?
Or do we lean in, even when it’s hard, and get curious?
We’re never going to grasp our teens’ world fully, we’re not teens anymore, and our brains aren’t wired like theirs. But we have been there. We remember what it's like to want freedom and to feel safe all at once, so understanding them is not completely out of our reach, and they don't have to choose one or the other. As parents, we can support them in exploring that freedom safely, with the knowledge that they always have a soft place to land with us.
But this stage isn’t about us. It’s about them.
Curiosity is the bridge.
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Ask questions about what matters to them (and be prepared for answers that surprise you).
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Listen without judgement (even when part of you is screaming WHAT?).
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Share your perspective without shaming them, you don’t have to agree, but you can gently offer another way of looking at it.
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Be willing to say, “I didn’t get why that was so important to you, but I think I do now.”
Teens love teaching us things. Honestly, it’s one of their favourite power moves. And it’s not a weakness to let them. It shows that learning is a two-way street. And the more they see us open to learning from them, the more open they’ll be to learning from us.
A simple "ooo, I didn't know that. That's really interesting"
Why this matters more than you think
When your teen feels safe to share, even if it’s messy, snarky, or loud, it’s not proof they’ve stopped respecting you. It’s proof they feel secure enough to be themselves, knowing you’re still there.
We may not have been able to express ourselves in quite the same way as teens. We might have swallowed our hurt or muttered under our breath… and probably felt alone with it.
Our job now is to protect that relationship fiercely with our teens, and that includes holding boundaries.
If your teen is rude or grumpy, give them space to cool down first. Then, come back to it. Your tone will make or break this moment. Sharpness usually pushes them deeper into shutdown, so go in warm and calm:
"When you spoke to me like that earlier, it didn’t feel okay. It crossed a line for me. I want to understand what was going on for you, and I want us to figure out how you can tell me you’re tired or frustrated without taking it out on me."
This teaches them two vital things:
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Personal boundaries matter, theirs and yours.
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There are other ways to express how you feel.
A moment to reflect
Think about your own teen years, and your relationship with your parents now.
How did they handle those years with you?
And how has that shaped your connection today?
I often hear: “I got a smack regularly and it never hurt me, in fact, it did me good.” But when I ask about the closeness they have with that parent now, there’s often a quiet pause… followed by a story of distance or disconnect.
That’s heartbreaking.
It’s not that one wrong move will destroy your relationship forever. But every relationship is fragile if it’s not cared for. And the teen years last a long time. If we’re talking about brain development, it’s really from around 11 to 25. That’s a long stretch to just cross your fingers and hope for the best.
These years need nurturing, stage by stage.
It doesn’t mean having no boundaries or structure, it means adapting when needed, flexing where you can, letting go of the small stuff, and, most of all, building mutual respect.
Respect grows when we make a genuine effort to see the world through their eyes. Not agreeing with everything, but letting them know their perspective matters. When we do that, we send a powerful message: "Your experiences are valid and your struggles are real, and I get it".
That’s where trust grows, and trust is the bridge that will carry you both through the hardest moments. The relationship you build now is the foundation they’ll stand on long after they’ve left home.
If this has struck a chord and you’re ready to move from walking on eggshells to feeling calm, confident, and connected with your teen again, my COMPASS programme is here to guide you.
Over 6 transformative months, we’ll work together to rebuild trust, restore peace in your home, and reconnect in a way that lasts, without bribes, threats, or constant battles. You’ll learn how to navigate conflict without losing your cool, hold boundaries your teen will actually respect, and communicate so they feel safe enough to open up.
