From Primary to Secondary: How to Stay Steady for Your Child

The transition to secondary school can feel like a milestone not just for your child, but for you too. You may already be experiencing some of the changes we discuss here, while others may become noticeable in the coming months. Either way, you will get through this together. In this blog, I share some reflections from my own parenting journey and offer ways to stay connected with your child through this big change. 

The move to secondary school is huge, for children and for us as parents. At around age 11, children start to crave independence, while we find ourselves caught between wanting to hold on and knowing we need to let go.

I remember this transition with my own daughter. The school was four times bigger than our cosy primary, and none of her friends were going there. Suddenly, it felt like she was stepping into the world without me, and I wasn’t sure I was ready for this change. But I knew I had to get on board.

As parents, we often find ourselves experiencing mixed emotions: pride that our child is growing up, worry about whether they’re ready, and sometimes even grief at the loss of those primary school days. It can be hard to watch them step into a bigger world, especially when it feels like the first time they’re really going without us.

If you find yourself thinking: They still seem so little. Are they really ready? How will I cope when they don’t need me in the same way anymore? What if they get lost, or lonely, or make mistakes? You’re not alone. 

These thoughts are completely normal. Acknowledging them really matters because when we recognise our own feelings, we can manage them and either put them into perspective or take steps to put things in place to support them. Either way, that awareness means we’re less likely to project them onto our child, which provides them with the safety they need to take these new steps.

When Independence Meets Protection

One of the first hurdles many of us face is letting go of routines that have been in place for maybe years. Perhaps you’ve always walked your child to school, and now they want to walk or catch the bus with new friends.

It can feel like a huge shift, and your mind may spiral with worry. A gentle way forward can be to work things out together. For example, you might walk with your child part of the way for the first week or so, gradually stepping back as confidence builds on both sides. (Yes, both sides. They may feel ready, but you might not!) 

It’s absolutely fine to say: “I know you’re ready for this, but I’m not quite there yet. Can we walk together for a few days?”

This shows trust, while modelling that changes can happen gradually. It’s the same principle you can carry into many areas of life as your child starts seeking independence: supporting them step by step, rather than making sudden leaps. That way, you’re walking this path together rather than feeling like you’re handing over the reins overnight.

When Technology Enters the Picture

For many children, secondary school is when they first get a mobile phone. For some parents, this feels reassuring, a way to stay in touch, but it can be shrouded in worry around online safety.

You may be wondering: If I say no, will they be left out socially? But if I say yes, how do I keep them safe online?

What I’ve found helps is approaching it collaboratively rather than from a place of control. Sit down together and decide what feels right for your family. Explain the reasons behind your decisions, because when children understand the “why”, they’re far more likely to respect the boundaries. If they feel it’s just being ‘done to them’, they’re more likely to push back or hide things.

If you’d like more practical guidance, take a look at ‘Internet Matters’, they have clear, step-by-step guides on all the major platforms. (I have included the link at the bottom of this page)

A Shift in Identity

In Year 7, you may find that your once-familiar child seems to swing between wanting to be grown-up one moment and reverting back to more childlike behaviour the next.

It can feel like you’re on a seesaw with them: one minute they’re chatty and they want you close, the next they’ve shut down and shrug you off. This can leave you wondering where your child has gone, and whether you’ll ever get them back.

This seesaw is completely normal. Your child is adjusting to a much bigger pond, with new routines, friendships, and expectations. They’re likely to be more tired, more grumpy, and less talkative as they try to find their place.

If you’re finding this unsettling, it doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong; it simply means you care. These shifts are temporary (I say temporary loosely, as this can go on for a while, but you can do this), and the best thing you can do is stay calm and available, showing them you’re a safe base even when they’re testing limits. 

This fluctuation doesn't mean you're losing them; it’s simply a life stage in their development and is an opportunity to embrace this transition in a way that keeps that lovely connection that you have always had with them. However, there is no doubt that, as parents, we need to pivot and start to see things through their eyes more readily to maintain that connection.

Boundaries That Grow With Them

The move to secondary school is also an opportunity to reevaluate your boundaries. Things that seemed too much before, like going to the sweet shop alone, may now be perfectly reasonable if they’re already travelling independently to school.

You might find yourself asking: Am I being too strict, or not strict enough?

A helpful way forward is to think about your non-negotiables first, then the areas you’re willing to flex on. If they want to go out with friends, decide in advance what feels safe for you and for them. Involving them in the conversation not only builds trust but also teaches them about compromise and responsibility.

Connection Over Control

Perhaps the most important part of this transition is maintaining a strong relationship. This doesn’t mean fixing all their problems or shielding them from every struggle. It means showing them that when life feels tricky, you’ll walk alongside them and help them figure it out.

Simple things make a big difference:

• Listening without rushing in with solutions
  
  
• Treating mistakes as learning opportunities rather than disasters
  
  
• Noticing and praising the small steps they take in new situations
  
  

Your child doesn’t need you to have all the answers. What they need is to know you’re steady, safe, and on their side. Parenting isn’t about control, it’s about connection.

Remembering Your Own Story

It can help to think back to when you were 11. What was it like stepping into a new school that seemed enormous compared to primary school? Did you feel nervous, excited, or both? What helped you through, and what felt hard?

Chances are, you’ll remember both the challenges and the moments of pride, maybe even the same push-pull that you’re experiencing with your child right now.

Reflecting on your own story helps you see that the ups and downs your child is experiencing are part of growing up.

A Final Thought

This transition can feel like a rollercoaster for the whole family. But with patience, open communication, and a willingness to grow alongside your child, this season can also be a time of connection and discovery.

They’re learning who they are, how to navigate friendships, and how to find their place in a bigger world. And while they’re doing that, you’re learning too: how to balance letting go with holding on, how to make space for them to figure things out, and how to trust that the foundations you’ve laid will carry them forward.

When I look back at my own daughter’s journey, I realise it was never about letting go completely. It was about finding new ways to walk alongside her. And that’s where the bond deepened.

If you’d like more support in navigating the ups and downs of the teen years, my 6-month Group Programme COMPASS is designed to help parents feel steady, confident, and connected as their children grow. It’s about finding your bearings in a new stage of family life, without losing the relationship at the heart of it all. I’d love to share more with you. Click the link so I can share new developments and upcoming dates with you.

https://www.internetmatters.org/