When Your Teen Is Determined to Do It Anyway

There are moments in parenting a teen where you just want your teen to acknowledge that, as a grown-up, you know a little bit more than they do.

But guess what? You may be waiting a while!

So when they drop into the conversation that they are going to do something that you know is not likely to end well, you can feel your chest tightening, and the natural response is to say, “You can't do that”

And yet, there they are, standing in front of you, telling you exactly what they’re going to do anyway.

And this isn’t just you.
It’s one of the challenges that comes up time and time again in conversations I’m having with parents of teens.

The problem is… telling a teen not to do something is often the fastest way to make sure they do it. Not because they’re trying to be difficult. But because:

• If you don’t want them to do it, it must be fun
  
• Your reasoning, risky, dangerous, silly, morally wrong, rarely lands in the way we hope it will

So what do you do instead?

Identity, autonomy, and “this is who I am”

A lot of these moments centre around things that feel deeply personal to your teen. Things like getting their nails done, wearing make-up or shortening a skirt, all of which are against school policy.

These aren’t just choices about appearance. To a teen, they are about identity.

Who I am.
How I want to be seen.
My right to choose.

And understandably, they don’t want to be told what to wear, how to wear it, or when to wear it.

At the same time, the reality of life is that rules exist, at school, at work, in society, and learning how to navigate them is part of growing up.

When a teen is determined, the most effective thing we can do is often not to control the decision…It’s to prepare them for the consequences, and then allow them to choose.

A conversation that keeps the decision with them

Let’s take a common example.

Your teen:
Mum, I’m getting my nails done.

You:
Hold on, school doesn’t allow it.

Your teen:
I don’t care. I’m getting them done anyway.

At this point, many conversations escalate. Power struggles appear, tone and volume of voices become raised, and tension enters the room. 

But instead, you might try something like this:

“Okay. Let’s just have a quick chat before you do.”

“If you get your nails done and go to school tomorrow, what do you think might happen?”

Your teen might say:
“I’ll probably get a detention and be told to take them off.”

So you calmly reflect it back:

“Okay, so just so you’re mindful that you may be spending £30 on your nails, to then be told to remove them, and end up staying late for detention.”

“Help me understand how that feels worth it for you.”

They may reply:
“Well, I might not get caught”

And you can gently ground it in reality:

“That’s true, but over the next couple of weeks, it’s pretty likely you will.”

“So as long as you’re clear that you are likely about to spend £30 of your own money on a detention, not your nails. It’s entirely your choice how you spend your money, but I would encourage you to rethink this”

This is not about threats and lectures; it’s simply information.

Why this approach matters

This kind of conversation is really important because:

• It keeps decision-making in their court
  
  
• It makes consequences visible, without shaming
  
  
• It teaches responsibility rather than compliance
  

And when the detention does happen and they come home angry and frustrated, blaming the teacher, you don’t need to say, "I told you so."

You can simply remind them:

“I appreciate that you're frustrated, but what's really important to remember is that this was your decision despite the potential consequences. The teacher is simply reminding you of the rules”

At that point, the responsibility belongs to them, and that’s where learning happens.

The teen brain and consequences

We know that the teenage brain doesn’t naturally think ahead in the way an adult brain does, and consequences aren’t always at the forefront of the mind (in fact, they rarely are).

That’s why we have to be the calm, steady voice that helps them see what might come next.

That doesn’t mean they’ll always listen.
But over time, they begin to recognise when the consequence isn’t worth the effort, and crucially, they can only reflect on their decision-making and take responsibility if they had all the information in the first place.

Tone matters more than words

If you want this to land, pay close attention to:

• Your tone
  
  
• Your body language
  
  
• Your ability to stay curious rather than controlling
  

This isn’t about catching them out or proving a point. It’s about supporting them to make informed choices, even when those choices lead to uncomfortable outcomes.

Because we all break rules sometimes

Let’s be honest, we all bend rules from time to time.

Have you ever driven at 34mph in a 30mph zone?

Now imagine there was no way to know the speed limit, and you were fined for speeding. 

Frustrating, right?

Helping teens understand the consequences of their choices isn’t about stopping them from ever breaking rules. It’s about making sure they’re not guessing, and then paying the price without understanding why.

When teens know that what they’re choosing to do has potential consequences, they’re far more likely to reflect, adjust, and grow.

And that’s the long game we’re playing.