The Three Worries Parents of Teens Share With Me Again and Again

Being a parent of a teen can feel like weathering one storm after another.
One minute things are calm, and the next... it all kicks off again. Or what sometimes feels worse is that nothing kicks off at all, but the silence is so loud, you can’t hear yourself think.

Over the years, through my work as a therapist and parenting specialist, I’ve noticed that no matter what the day-to-day looks like, so many parents carry the same three frustrations, challenges and fears. 

1) Conflict or complete shut down, 

2) worries about teens' mental health (not to mention their own)

3)A deep fear that they're losing them somehow. 

They show up differently in every family, but the weight of them is almost always the same

In this blog, I will gently walk you through them. Not just what’s happening on the surface, but what sits underneath, those quieter and deeper layers of worry that most parents are carrying silently. Because once we can name what's really going on, we can begin to work with it. And I will share with you what the other side of each coin looks like.

Constant Conflict and/or Complete Shutdown and Silence

This is the one that feels most obvious and visible. The one parents can point to and say, ‘This is the problem’. 

Some days, it’s either full-blown arguments where everything turns into a standoff, and the energy in the house feels electric and heavy, like you’re one wrong word away from an explosion. Other days, it’s the silence. They retreat to their rooms, headphones in, doors closed, barely making eye contact. They’re physically there… but emotionally, they feel a million miles away.

And either way, your mind races.
"Are they okay?" "Why won’t they talk to me?" "What am I meant to do with this?"

As parents, we naturally zoom in on the behaviour, whether it’s the shouting, the slammed doors, or the long silences,  because we’re trying to make sense of what’s going wrong, so that we can fix it. So we try saying the right thing, doing the right thing, changing our approach in the hope that we can pull them back toward us and then get frustrated when it doesn't seem to matter what we do; it simply doesn't work.

What often gets missed, though, is just how much is going on underneath the surface. Teen brain development, the messy world of hormones, friendships, school pressure, and the huge task of figuring out who they are. Layered on top of that is what emotions and conflict have looked like in your family over the years, what was modelled to you growing up, and all the unspoken expectations that sit quietly between you and your teen. 

It’s a lot. And it doesn’t just impact them, it affects you, too.
When the atmosphere at home feels tense or unpredictable, and you’re already running on empty, it’s hard to be the steady one. Hard to know what to say, or whether saying anything at all will just make things worse.

There is also the reality that although teens look like adults, we forget that despite their size, and their strong opinions, their brains are not there yet, but we assume they ‘should’ be getting to grips with this adulting thing by now. It feels like a switch where they want freedom, and they’re reaching for it fast, sometimes faster than we’re ready for. And while we try to guide them at a pace that feels safe, they’re often pushing back, trying to write their own timelines. It’s no wonder everything feels out of sync.

If any of this feels familiar, just know, you’re not alone. And there is a way through.

Mental Health Worries

I don’t think I’ve ever met a parent who isn’t, at some level, quietly terrified about their teen’s mental health.

It doesn’t always start as a red flag. Sometimes it’s just a niggle, something doesn’t feel quite right, but you can’t put your finger on it. Other times, it’s loud and immediate. They stop going to school and lose interest in everything they once loved. Doors are slammed. Or they don’t come home at all until late, and they’re spending time with new friends who don’t feel right. Maybe they’re pushing boundaries or making choices that leave you with a knot in your stomach, or they’ve met a new love interest, and suddenly you’re navigating a whole new set of worries you didn’t see coming.

And still, you keep showing up. Trying to say the right things, ask the right questions, and offer support, only to be met with resistance.

Do you notice how, in those moments, everything inside tightens? That sense of powerlessness creeps in, and you start wondering whether this is just normal teen stuff… or something more. But then, in the middle of the night (or day in fact), your minds start spiralling to the what-ifs. What if it isn’t? What if I’ve missed something? What if I’m making it worse by asking?

Alongside the fear for them is what all of this stirs up in you. It’s incredibly hard to stay emotionally steady when you’re stretched thin and worried, especially in a phase of parenting we’re rarely prepared for. We’re often told, Don’t worry, it’s just teenagers, they’ll come back in their twenties. 

And maybe that will be true. But we’re parenting in a world that looks very different from the one we grew up in. There are more pressures, more comparisons, more external influences. Many parents don’t want to cross their fingers and hope for the best; they want to support and guide their teens now, even when that support is met with distance.

Underneath all of this sits something that’s easy to overlook: your own story. Your own teenage years, your own fears, your own experiences of being supported (or not). These old stories live quietly in our subconscious, and they tend to surface when we’re trying desperately to protect our children from being hurt.

This is completely human and is nestled quietly in our subconscious mind. But when we don’t see those old stories playing out, we end up parenting from a place of fear, not connection, which is exhausting.

You can’t support your teen in the way you want to if you’re running on empty. Your emotional health matters. Not because you need to be calm all the time, or get it right or be perfect, but because you need enough steadiness to hold space without falling apart inside.

And I know that’s easier said than done.

But when you begin to feel more grounded in yourself, less reactive, less consumed by worry, everything shifts. You stop grasping for control. You start listening differently. And your teen feels that, even if they don’t show it straight away. Slowly, it starts to feel safer for them to come a little closer.

The Fear of Disconnection

There’s something uniquely painful about feeling that slow drift between you and your child.
You still see them every day, maybe sitting at the dinner table, scrolling on the sofa, but something feels like it has changed; they have changed, and you sometimes don't know who they are anymore. 

Sometimes it creeps up gradually. Other times, it feels like it happens overnight.
One day, you were part of their world. Next, you’re standing on the outside, wondering when they stopped letting you in.

Beneath the frustration and confusion is usually something much heavier: fear. That you’re losing them, it feels like they're slipping away, and no matter what you do, you can’t find your way back to each other.

It’s a lonely place to be.

And if you grew up in a family where disconnection or emotional distance was the norm, even if no one ever named it, you might feel this even more deeply. You might recognise the signs and panic, promising yourself you’ll never let that happen in your own family… only to find yourself facing something that feels scarily familiar.

The truth is, connection isn’t a one-time thing we establish when they’re little and assume will carry through. It’s something we build, and rebuild, again and again as they grow, especially during the teen years.

So… what can you do?

Here’s what I really want you to hear:
Just because this is where things are right now doesn’t mean it’s where they’ll stay.

I know how hard it can feel when every day is filled with tension, or silence, or both.
When you’re constantly second-guessing if they’re okay… whether you’re okay.
When your mind won’t stop spinning, and the fear of losing them keeps you up at night.

This is exactly the work parents and I do together within COMPASS, step by step. We take what feels like chaos on the surface and gently explore what’s really going on underneath.

We take conflict and the constant walking on eggshells… and work towards creating a calmer, more emotionally safe home.
We unpack those deep worries about your teen’s mental health, and help you find more emotional steadiness in yourself, so you can support them without being swept under.
And we look at that ache of disconnection, that fear they’re slipping away… and begin to rebuild the kind of bond that can hold strong, even in the messiest seasons.

This isn’t about having all the answers or fixing your teen. It’s about seeing the full picture, your story, their story, and the space between you, with more compassion and clarity than you may have ever allowed yourself before.

And when you do that, things start to shift.
Gently. Gradually. But powerfully.

You don’t have to hold your breath forever.
There is a way through this. And it starts by doing the work that most people skip—the deeper work that creates real, lasting change.

A Calmer Home

When you're caught in a cycle of conflict or silence, everything starts to feel fragile. 

But when you stop looking at each challenging moment in isolation and begin to see the patterns beneath them, things begin to shift.

This is where we begin, by understanding the emotional temperature of your home and learning how to shift it gently. Not through bribes or threats (because let’s face it, you’ve probably tried that already), this isn't about demanding change from your teen, but by starting with what’s already here: by paying attention to how power, communication, emotion and unspoken expectations are playing out day to day.

When you can see those patterns clearly, you stop firefighting. You start to soften the energy.
You notice the build-up before the blow-up. And you begin responding in ways that steady you, rather than trying to manage your teen.

And in that shift, the tension in the room starts to lift. Your teen feels the difference, even if they don’t show it right away. Because they, too, are no longer bracing themselves for another battle, they’re walking into something that feels safer.

Emotional Stability

It’s easy to see how the teen years show up in a similar way to the toddler years. Unpredictable emotional outbursts that leave us all reeling, and yes, this is definitely a phase in teens’ lives where emotions are running wild, but this isn’t just about your teen’s moods; it’s about your own emotional footing, too. We trigger our teens' emotions just as much, if not more than, they trigger ours. Yet we focus on them and managing them rather than focusing on the one thing we can control, and that is ourselves.

When things feel chaotic at home, it’s easy to lose ourselves in the mess of it all. We react before we even realise. We spiral into guilt or frustration. We try to hold it together, but inside, we feel like we’re crumbling.

One of the most powerful pieces of this work is helping you gently explore how your patterns, your beliefs, your triggers, and how you were parented are shaping the way you respond to your teen, not with blame but curiosity.

When you begin to recognise your own patterns, incredible things start to happen. You stop reacting out of fear. You start responding from a place of steadiness and self-trust. Your teen feels it when your calm is real, not forced or faked. And when you can hold space for their emotions without being overwhelmed by your own, it changes the dynamic between you.

This kind of emotional stability supports both your mental health and theirs. When you understand your own emotional landscape, you’re far better placed to support your teen as their landscape reshapes in readiness for the wider world.

Deeper Connection

This is the part most parents ache for. The part that keeps them awake at night. Where did we go? How do I get us back?

And it’s easy to think connection is built through the big moments, deep chats, breakthroughs, and emotional confessions. But more often, it’s created in the small moments. The tone of your voice, how you repair after an argument. The moments when you show your teen they’re still loved, even when things feel hard.

Connection is not something to chase, but something to rebuild. We look at how to repair after rupture. How to hold space for your teen without needing them to be different. How to re-earn their trust, not by being perfect, but by being consistent.

And we return, again, to what was modelled to you growing up. Because when you understand how your past is shaping your present, you gain the power to change what comes next.

You can become someone your teen trusts to come back to, not just someone who demands closeness, but someone who creates it.

A Different Way Forward

If you’ve read this far, it’s probably because something here has stirred something in you. Maybe it’s a memory, or a question you've been quietly asking yourself  ‘What part am I playing in all of this? Or maybe it's just a small flicker of hope that things don’t have to stay like this.

And if that’s the case, I want you to know that you’re not alone, and it’s not too late.

This deeper, reflective, relational work is exactly what we do in Compass. It’s not about fixing your teen. It’s about looking at the whole picture and recognising that your own childhood programming is part of it too.

By gently reshaping the parts you have control over (yourself, your responses, your inner world), the space between you and your teen begins to soften. And from there, trust and connection can grow.

If something here has resonated with you and you’d like to explore whether Compass could support you, I would love to invite you for a Mini Home Audit. This is a 30-minute call where you can bring one challenge that you are facing with your teen right now, and I will provide you with guidance and insights to help you move forward.

This is not a sales call, but if, after our call, you would like to know more about COMPASS, we can schedule another call to establish whether, between us, we think COMPASS is the right fit for you.

Click here to Book your FREE Mini Home Audit

Wherever you are on this journey, there’s still time to do this differently.