Before You Ask “What’s Wrong with My Teen?” - Try This Instead

So many parents I speak to notice their teen pushing back more and more. It might start with the small stuff, an eye roll, a muttered “whatever”, a refusal to do something simple they’ve been asked to do. But over time, it can feel as though everything has become a battle.

Parents often tell me they find themselves questioning whether it’s just the teen years or something more. And yes, this is a normal part of teenage development. Adolescence brings huge emotional, hormonal and neurological shifts. But sometimes, what’s happening now is less about what’s going on today, and more about everything that’s been quietly building in the months or even years leading up to this point.

The power struggle beneath the surface

I often talk about how teens crave control, because they do. It’s normal, healthy and necessary. But how they react to limits, expectations or demands in the moment isn’t always about what’s being said right now. Sometimes it’s the hangover of how control has been handled throughout their childhood.

Let me set the scene.

Many parents describe how their teens’ pushback seems to come out of nowhere. Everything that used to work, the calm explanations, the boundaries, the rewards (even the occasional shouty bit), suddenly doesn’t. They feel exhausted and confused, wondering:

After everything I’ve done for them, all the love, effort and stability I’ve poured in, how can they be so ungrateful?

But what if this isn’t really about what’s happening now?

What if it’s about something that started a while ago? Maybe your teen, in their younger years, didn’t have as much age-appropriate control as they needed? Not because you were doing anything wrong, but because things were ticking along just fine. They were well-behaved, respectful, easy to manage, or even if they were challenging, you knew how to handle them. You were doing a great job. There was no reason to change.

The tricky thing about the teen years is that the shift can feel sudden and unfair. So naturally, parents look for the obvious culprits: hormones, friendship groups, school, and social media. And while all of these can play a part, there’s another question that’s worth gently asking:

Did I adapt when my child needed me to?

When we miss the moment to adapt

Parenting is relentless, and there’s no definitive manual that tells you when to shift gears. Most parents I work with say they just keep doing what’s been working, until suddenly, it doesn’t.

And because kids don’t always give us clear feedback, it’s easy to assume their needs are still being met. But for some teens, what’s bubbling up now is really the delayed expression of all those moments when they didn’t get to have a say, when decisions were made for them. When “respect” really meant “obedience.”

And when that voice finally arrives, it can come out as anger, withdrawal, sarcasm, or complete shutdown.

A story from my work

One parent I worked with had an extremely explosive teen. Every disagreement became a full-blown outburst.

This had been a pattern since childhood; their child would lose control, and Mum (who hated conflict) would quickly smooth things over. She’d meet their every need, often within minutes of a meltdown. She’d offer treats, privileges or comfort without addressing the behaviour, just to keep the peace.

Her heart was in the right place. She wanted her child to know they were loved and safe. But over time, her teen learned that even when they were unkind or cruel, Mum would bend.

As the teen years hit, things ramped up. The more Mum tried to keep the peace, the more control her teen took,  and the more powerless she felt.

Through our work together, she began to understand how her own discomfort with conflict had led her to hand over more power than her child was ready for. We looked at what healthy boundaries could look like, starting with her own personal ones, and what she needed to feel grounded and safe.

At first, things got worse. Her teen tested the new limits fiercely. But instead of reacting or retreating, Mum stayed calm. She started owning her part:

“I realise that in trying to make you feel better, I sometimes rewarded behaviour that isn’t OK, and that’s on me. Things are going to be a bit different now.”

She held the line with warmth and consistency, and slowly the atmosphere began to shift. Respect started to return because she was earning it, not demanding it.

Finding the balance

Whether we’ve given our children too much control or too little, the teen years bring it all to the surface.

If they’ve had too little control, they’ll fight for it now.
If they’ve had too much, they’ll struggle when we try to reclaim it.

Neither is wrong; it just means it’s time to pause, reflect and rebalance.

Any exploration I encourage you to do starts with kindness. This is not about blaming yourself or feeling bad about what’s gone before; it’s about kind and curious reflection.

You might gently ask yourself:

• When has control featured in my parenting?
  
  
• When has it been fair and necessary?
  
  
• When has it been more about my own comfort, fear, or need for things to be my way?
  
  

Our teens don’t actually want to disconnect from us, even when it feels that way. They want to feel seen, respected and trusted, but they also need to know that we’re steady enough to hold the line when things get wobbly. (And yes, I know this can be a tricky balance, but it is possible.)

Gentle reflection for today

If your teen is pushing back hard right now, it might help to pause and ask:

• Could this be about their growing need for autonomy?
  
  
• Have I been able to adapt as they’ve changed?
  
  
• What might they be trying to tell me with their behaviour?
  
  

Sometimes, a shift begins not with a new strategy for your teen but with a moment of honest reflection in you.

Moving forward: building connection through curiosity

When you feel ready, try opening up gentle conversations that invites curiosity. These don’t have to be big, serious talks, just small moments that open a little window into how they see things.

You could ask questions like:

• “What’s been the best thing about your childhood so far?”
  
  
• “What’s been the hardest?”
  
  
• “If you had to describe me in three words, what would they be?”
  
  

(And if it feels right, you can ask the same about their other parent, too.)

They might not tell you the full truth, or they might tell you more than you expected. Either way, try to stay calm and curious. If they do share, and the moment feels right, you could gently ask, “What made you choose those words?”

The key is not to appear shocked, defensive or hurt, even if what they say stings. Take a breath and thank them for sharing their thoughts with you.

By asking these questions, you’re not only learning about their inner world; you’re also quietly saying:

“I want to understand you. I care about how you see me. I want to do better.”

Sometimes they’ll shrug you off, or maybe they’ll surprise you. Either way, you’ve extended an invitation to connect, and that’s what really matters.

Once you’ve had a chance to reflect on what they share, you might notice there are things to learn from, acknowledge, apologise for, or explain differently. We all see things through our own lens, and these conversations often serve as a bridge to understanding your teen’s perspective more clearly.

And yes, hearing their truth might hurt. But trust me when I say that hearing their truth is far less painful than feeling their distance.

In COMPASS, I see so many parents begin to make sense of these patterns, how their own histories shape their parenting, and how small shifts in awareness can completely change the atmosphere at home.

We look under the rocks of our own upbringing, uncover the patterns that play out in our homes today, and find new ways to connect with calm and compassion.

If this resonates, you can book a free Mini Home Audit with me. Together, we’ll look at one small but mighty shift you can make right away to bring more peace and connection into your home.